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Conquering the impostor syndrome to claim the joy, zest, and power of your success

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Four Powerful Women’s Letters to their Younger Selves
By | May 27, 2020

In the three years since The Empress Has No Clothes: Conquering Self doubt to Embrace Success was published, I have spoken at numerous companies and conferences about the book. Each time I speak, I am reminded of how many of us struggle with the self-doubt that robs us of experiencing the joy of our success. With time, most folks do learn how to quiet that voice of selfdoubt, and I hope that my book is helping to speed up the process for many. 

Recently, I spoke at a women’s event for a large company. As I often do when discussing the book, I shared a few stories from some very accomplished people whom I interviewed about their struggles with self-doubt. Well, something very powerful happened at this particular event.

Four of the top female executives of this company wrote and shared letters about their journey to success and the lessons they wished they had learned earlier. This was an incredible gift to the large group of younger women at the company. Their authenticity and honesty was profound and inspiring. Well, they have also given me the gift of sharing their letters with you. Enjoy and let me know your thoughts.

Letter #1

Dear Jennifer,

Look at you. You’ve proven yourself not just once, but twice, in becoming a partner at 2 different firms. And yes, it’s real. I know you still doubt yourself at times and wonder how it all happened. But you have accomplished what you set out to accomplish! And along the way, you were supported by a loving husband and 2 wonderful children. But you worked so hard. Too hard. You sacrificed nearly everything. Your health. Your family. Your friends.

You were good enough to be “successful” without sacrificing so much. Why did you did not give yourself time or permission to do things to improve your life’s bottom line. When did you play? Why couldn’t you enjoy each moment? Why couldn’t you learn to celebrate? Why were you so focused on the results and the “next thing”? Why did you have to be so efficient? Why was everything a race? Why was everything a competition?

You held your first born in your arms. You chose to take extended time off and poured your energy and focus into her. You went back to work part-time, but that’s what it was. Part-time work. Then you had your second child and again took extended time off, and again went back to work part-time. And then there was that point when you looked in the mirror and felt that somehow you had let everyone down. You had let your young, ambitious self, down, you had let your work down, and you had let your children down. You felt guilty about everything. You felt so overwhelmed by feelings of being torn and constantly pulled, mentally and physically, between your loved ones and the career you so desired to have. So then you did what you thought would solve it all. You completely turned around and did the opposite, you decided to move forward at a frantic pace, leaving everything but work behind, while leaving your friends and family in the dust. You were going to “have it all”.

And congratulations! You made partner! You felt validated. Young women looked up to you. Young Asians looked up to you and openly discussed that if you could make it, they could make it. Young mothers asked how you did it. You finally had it all! Yet, there was a niggling of doubt in your mind as it sunk in. Am I really a role model? I did not feel like it. Did I make it because I was Asian? How do I tell young moms who come to me that while I held up a “perfect working mom” persona at work, at home I cried so many tears along the way that I could fill all their babies’ bottles many times over? How do I tell them that the guilt of not being a good mom was overwhelming at times?

So what would I say to my younger self? Do what feels right to you, not what people tell you is right, at each step of the way. Check your feelings of guilt and insecurity at the door. It’s ok to ask for help and accept help. Don’t be in such a hurry to get to where it is you think you want to go. Everyone takes a different path. You can be a trailblazer, but in a way where you yourself won’t get burned.

Take time to learn, to absorb all that is around you, and that will help you mature at each professional level. Make a list of priorities and stick to them. Don’t let others tell you what they should be. Make the list and rank them according to what feels right to you. And when rocks are thrown at you, or you feel pulled in multiple directions, ask yourself, “Does this matter? In 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 years, will this matter? And when you know the answer is “no”, make the choice that feels right and makes you happy. Work hard and do your best, but you don’t have to do it all. Be present in the present.

Most importantly, you do not need to beat yourself up for not having done it all, let alone done it all perfectly. It’s ok that you received a poor review on a project, it’s ok you came to work with spit up down the back of your suit jacket, it’s ok you did not get the initial promotion to senior manager on your timeline, it’s ok that sometimes you wish you were a white male so that you don’t have the extra burden of being a role model who can check not just one, not two, but four boxes off for your firm in their diversity surveys, it’s ok that dishes pile up in the sink during the week, it’s ok you secretly hoard hotel lotions

from your travel, and it’s ok that you wear Spanx at times and consider it exercise.

Love, Jennifer

Letter #2

Dear Tamika,
You were not a mistake and you don’t have to continue to prove that you weren’t a mistake. God doesn’t make mistakes.

In fact, isn’t that what my great grandmother meant when she said to my mother at the age of 18, “One day you will be so happy that you had that baby…” So when is that “one day” you continuously ask yourself as you continue to let that control you, push you and even define you. Be brave… as you can hear the whisper “One day this will all seem worth it. Someday, I will make you proud.”

Well, strive to be amazing as you patiently wait for that day to come. I assure you, Tamika, it will come. Whether it’s the day you pass the bar exam, yes it may not be until you are 25 years old or perhaps it’s at the age of 9 when you and your mother lay on the side of the road after being hit by a drunk driver (bleeding) as her face is scarred from protecting you rather than herself and the other driver was pronounced dead on the scene. Perhaps in those uncertain moments she realized that I wasn’t a mistake? Regardless, you can be certain that that day will come and it won’t be for the reasons that you thought – no, it won’t be because of the letters behind your name, the amount of money that you make, the fancy shoes (seriously, not the shoes!) or any material things - it will simply be because of the impact that you made on the world - simply because you exist and live a life of gratitude and service to others. This is where you will find fulfillment – your PURPOSE!

There are a few things that I will ask you to also remember –

1. If you could be so “lucky” choose a true partner in every sense of the word – one that contributes equally and sees your success as their success;
2. Create your personal brand;
3. Do not compare yourself to others – Live your own purpose;
4. Find your true passion;
5. Gift the gift of “experiences, time and presence” to your children and always lead by example;
6. Be authentic;
7. Don’t allow your struggles to take away your joy;
8. Have integrity in everything you do;
9. Remember chances favor the prepared individual;
10. Take risks – remove fear from the equation. Don’t let the acronym stand for Forget Everything and Run, but rather Face Everything and Rise!; And finally, be authentic and/or Be ………..

Be still and know that you were not a mistake and yes that too……. Please “…know that I am GOD!” And today, just like every day in your life, your mother is fulfilled. Your mother is whole because of you. Your mother is happy she had you and God knows and in fact, everyone will know you are not a mistake. JUST CONTINUE TO BE……….
Love, Tamika

Letter #3

Dear younger self (Michele),

You will enjoy great success in your life and in your career. Take time to pause and reflect on how that came to be. The road will not always be easy but the journey will be worth it.

At times, you will find yourself living what seems like an unsustainable pace. Family, school, work, family, school, work, family, work…STOP. BE PRESENT. A few minutes of banter with mom or dad during the work day may seem frivolous in the moment but some day that moment will be priceless.

As you progress in your career, you will at times find yourself feeling stressed, perhaps frustrated or overwhelmed. I have one word for you. It’s called “PERSPECTIVE”. Come back to center and remember in the grand scheme of life you are fortunate – you and your family are healthy and you enjoy all the comforts of life like a home, food, safety and access to education and good jobs.

Remain humble and connected. Your title, your job…they do not define you. It is the strength of your character, your conviction and your service and commitment to others that does. Never lose touch with that reality.

Have confidence. The path will not always be clear but your judgment is sound and enhanced by the strength of your Board – yes, you have a fabulous board made up of 12 board members. Trust your judgment and heed the advice of your Board and friends and mentors.

Finally, be fearless. When a voice tells you, “you don’t stand a chance at a particular opportunity”, IGNORE IT. It’s only a voice. Instead, remember what Dad once said, “go for it…the worst that can happen is they will say no; if they do, at least you will know the answer as opposed to never having tried.”

The corollary to that lesson is one I taught myself. “If they say no, don’t be afraid to challenge the answer. You never know what might happen!” I’ll save that story for another letter. Oh and PS-If you learn nothing else from this letter, please don’t forgot to wear your sunscreen and eye cream.

With love, your older self


Letter #4

Dear Renell

Well, you did it! You became the business woman that you and your best friend, Curtis, talked about in high school. He became a doctor like he said he would, too. But, the two of you never married. Wasn’t in the cards. You did marry a wonderful man, you have two beautiful daughters, and an amazing grandson. You made your family and friends proud. You cracked the glass ceiling at one of the best companies in the world. You have a full life. You’re happy. You’re grounded. You’re whole.You put in a lot of hard work to achieve your goals. Remember the way you felt your senior year in college when you got that offer letter from Chase Manhattan Bank in NYC? You were so excited and nervous –all at the same time. You called your mom – the first thing you still do whether something good or bad happens – and she did not want her baby to go to NY. But, you insisted. You told her you could do it. And, you did. And you continue to do it. What a dream come true.

You’ve learned so much about life and about yourself while on this journey. You’ve learned how to have a family and a great career. You’ve learned the importance of relationships, personal and professional, and how to nurture them. You’ve learned how to be faithful, how to follow your instincts and cover your blind spots.

Sure, it wasn’t easy. And, you’ve made many mistakes, big MISTAKES…like when you left one great company to pursue another opportunity. Now, why did you do that? You were on the fast track. You had so much support, so much exposure. What happened? Well, you finally figured it out. After all these years, you finally realize that you were afraid….afraid of success. You were afraid of being in the spotlight and making a
mistake. It terrified you. Although you’ve been competitive all of your life, the prospect of getting that ULTIMATE promotion actually paralyzed you.

But, oh have you learned. You’ve learned, and you’ve shared with other women the importance of staying the course…the importance of charting your own destiny and never letting anyone make you feel like you don’t belong. Now, you’re on a mission….a mission to help others avoid the mistakes you made. You find pleasure in mentoring others and helping them to navigate this thing called a career.

I’m proud of you, Renell. And, as I look at the reflection of you in my rearview mirror, I realize you’re an accurate and perfect reflection of me. For without you, my younger self, I would not be the woman I am today.

Love, Renell